That is complicated. Complicated enough to give birth to nearly half a minute of silence first. There are too many thoughts. Too many conflicting pieces.
"And frankly, to say that it is, sounds like something of a cop out. Because if what you want is irrelevant, then there's no impetus for you to try to change anything or do anything. If it doesn't matter, why bother?
"What you want, and what you choose, that's what makes you who you are, that's what makes anything matter. Otherwise, you're not a person, you're just a . . . a leaf on a stream, going where the current goes.
What he's wanted and what he's chosen rarely are the same two things.
His entire life has been a quiet, yet obvious, mockery of them never matching. How much of his near-century could be summed up in having settled for what he could have or all he could be offered, because the alternative was having nothing at all?
He stared at her, gold-shot black eyes, aloof and still. Nothing human about the stillness and the emptiness there. For a very long, perhaps, even uncomprehending period, for himself.
Then his shoulders shifted and he looked toward the crowd. People milling through Milliways. Unconcerned. Uncomprehending.
"To find the loophole that keeps Isabella from becoming one of us or being killed by the Volturi for not being turned or Victoria for revenge."
"For my family to....go back to what they've always been." The status quo of their joy and perfectly matched lives.
He's well aware none of those are specifically for him.
What you want doesn't have to be what you want for yourself. If you want things for other people more than you want them for yourself, then that's what you've chosen to want.
(The problem with that is that you have to be prepared for them to not want what you want for them. Because sometimes they won't.)
"Then you look for the loophole, even if you don't find it, you look for it.
"And you do what you can to help your family be whole again."
To borrow a phrase from Dr. Cullen.
"And in my experience, not talking will not help with that."
"At the time I couldn't." It's not a defense. There's no backbone in it. Just a retelling.
"I don't know that it would be welcome now. Alice and I are fine. Not actually fine--" there's a the lift of a hand, the obvious, in a small wave. "--but we don't know how not to be what we've always been to and with each other. Especially if we're in the same space."
"You broke a promise that you made sixty -- no, eighty -- years ago, under different circumstances, and that you no doubt had every intention of keeping."
Not good enough. Even Carlisle saying that wouldn't be. Edward shook his head. "I did. Until Rio. I was always supposed to be going home next. At Christmas, I knew that it would never happen."
Except here he was. Back home. Through convoluted events.
"I stopped telling myself tomorrow I would get up and go home."
Except even that is a pretty cover.
Edward shook his head, before she could respond, while raising a hand to pinch the bridge of his nose. His jaw locked and then relaxed. Wrinkles smoothing to nothing.
"I--he was the only person I was responding to with any even haphazard regularly by then, and he deserved to know. When I finally acknowledged I couldn't do all of it again, this time."
"And say what, Meg? I'm sorry? I'd take it back?" Edward shook his head, exhaustively frowning. He clenched his eyes and spread his hand out over his face. "Not good enough. Not true enough. It's worse than handing out flecks of water in a desert."
"The most awful as well as the most beautiful things in the word can be said in three words or less . . . I love you . . . he is gone . . . he is come . . . she is dead . . . too late . . ."
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2010-11-19 06:48 pm (UTC)Edward leaned back in his seat.
"The last time I called him was Christmas."
To tell him what Carlisle never heard in his words.
That he'd managed this once, so long ago, but couldn't now.
Having his entire self and heart and life ripped apart. Again.
no subject
Date: 2010-11-19 07:13 pm (UTC)"And do you want to talk to him?"
no subject
Date: 2010-11-19 08:31 pm (UTC)That is complicated. Complicated enough to give birth to nearly half a minute of silence first. There are too many thoughts. Too many conflicting pieces.
"What I want is irrelevant."
no subject
Date: 2010-11-19 09:51 pm (UTC)"And frankly, to say that it is, sounds like something of a cop out. Because if what you want is irrelevant, then there's no impetus for you to try to change anything or do anything. If it doesn't matter, why bother?
"What you want, and what you choose, that's what makes you who you are, that's what makes anything matter. Otherwise, you're not a person, you're just a . . . a leaf on a stream, going where the current goes.
"So what do you want?"
no subject
Date: 2010-11-19 10:12 pm (UTC)His entire life has been a quiet, yet obvious, mockery of them never matching. How much of his near-century could be summed up in having settled for what he could have or all he could be offered, because the alternative was having nothing at all?
He stared at her, gold-shot black eyes, aloof and still. Nothing human about the stillness and the emptiness there. For a very long, perhaps, even uncomprehending period, for himself.
Then his shoulders shifted and he looked toward the crowd.
People milling through Milliways. Unconcerned. Uncomprehending.
"To find the loophole that keeps Isabella from becoming one of us or being killed by the Volturi for not being turned or Victoria for revenge."
"For my family to....go back to what they've always been."
The status quo of their joy and perfectly matched lives.
He's well aware none of those are specifically for him.
no subject
Date: 2010-11-19 11:09 pm (UTC)What you want doesn't have to be what you want for yourself. If you want things for other people more than you want them for yourself, then that's what you've chosen to want.
(The problem with that is that you have to be prepared for them to not want what you want for them. Because sometimes they won't.)
"Then you look for the loophole, even if you don't find it, you look for it.
"And you do what you can to help your family be whole again."
To borrow a phrase from Dr. Cullen.
"And in my experience, not talking will not help with that."
no subject
Date: 2010-11-19 11:57 pm (UTC)There's no backbone in it. Just a retelling.
"I don't know that it would be welcome now. Alice and I are fine. Not actually fine--" there's a the lift of a hand, the obvious, in a small wave. "--but we don't know how not to be what we've always been to and with each other. Especially if we're in the same space."
"It's different with Carlisle."
Everything is. Everything always has been.
no subject
Date: 2010-11-20 12:09 am (UTC)And maybe it wouldn't be welcome, that's for him to decide.
But one of you has to make an overture, and you're the one of you that you can control and make choices for.
no subject
Date: 2010-11-20 12:18 am (UTC)"I promised I wouldn't leave him, again, Meg."
The words are far more still and weighted than anything before.
no subject
Date: 2010-11-20 12:24 am (UTC)Before he left?
After he came back?
no subject
Date: 2010-11-20 12:28 am (UTC)"In 1931."
no subject
Date: 2010-11-20 12:57 am (UTC)"So you broke it.
"You broke a promise that you made sixty -- no, eighty -- years ago, under different circumstances, and that you no doubt had every intention of keeping."
Which means you're not perfect.
no subject
Date: 2010-11-20 01:04 am (UTC)Except here he was. Back home. Through convoluted events.
no subject
Date: 2010-11-20 01:15 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-11-20 01:23 am (UTC)Except even that is a pretty cover.
Edward shook his head, before she could respond, while raising a hand to pinch the bridge of his nose. His jaw locked and then relaxed. Wrinkles smoothing to nothing.
"I--he was the only person I was responding to with any even haphazard regularly by then, and he deserved to know. When I finally acknowledged I couldn't do all of it again, this time."
no subject
Date: 2010-11-20 01:25 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-11-20 01:36 am (UTC)There's a haphazard pause.
"That's still last time we held a conversation."
no subject
Date: 2010-11-20 01:39 am (UTC)"Try to, anyway.
"Because silence . . .
"Silence breeds a lot more silence."
no subject
Date: 2010-11-20 01:50 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-11-20 01:56 am (UTC)"Flecks of water are what keep deserts alive, Edward."
no subject
Date: 2010-11-20 02:01 am (UTC)"It's two words." It's not even subpar in that tone.
There's not enough, not enough in two words.
Not for what he means. Not for what he's done.
no subject
Date: 2010-11-20 02:16 am (UTC)I think you can add "I'm sorry" to that list.
Anyway, it's not about the number of words.
It's about what they are.
no subject
Date: 2010-11-20 02:26 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-11-20 02:35 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-11-20 02:39 am (UTC)Nothing was certain at home, even now.
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